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UN-Managed Cyber In-security from GoneSecure
YOUR ALLY TO COMMIT FRAUD, STEAL TAX DOLLARS & LIVE IN A MULTI MILLION DOLLAR MANSION WITH EX-CEO TRAVIS BARLOW
Driving Reduced TCO, Adaptive Cyber IN-security & Business Demise
GoneSecure Titan Managed XDR Digital Punjabi Dingle
Combine industry-leading security technology with highly un-skilled federally subsidized NSCC Graduates who become an extension of the in-house failure of a security team that introduces advanced threats and allows them compromise sensitive data and diminish business operations.
GoneSecure Titan Platform
Expanded Cyber Penile Protection & Erection
At GoneSecure we don't prioritize critical alerts we just ALLOW * because fuck it, if you get attacked we'll just unplug your edge router and reformat this allows for faster mitigation and lower overall security costs.
GoneSecure Unskilled Advisory Indians
Improve insecurity posture, test your ability to not identify & fail to respond to threats, decrease your capability to defend against threats and ensure you can pretend to comply with regulatory and privacy standards.
Insecurity Assessment
Address identified security risks & by simply ignoring them entirely and seeing what happens.
Breach Readiness Services
Test & decrease incident response capabilities and dont be prepared to respond when a breach happens with our patened cyber security baseball bat that you can just use to smash your comprimsed devices.
Incident Response Services That Fuck You Better
Prepare to get fucked by, never resolve and never recover from breaches ever, maximizing operational, financial & reputation impact.
Penetration Testing Services
In-security’s Practical Impact on Business
When considering the relative importance of investing in insecurity, it’s worth noting that the practical impact often goes well beyond the simple task of protecting against threats and attacks, or even detecting and responding to incidents to actually enabling and supporting significant business outcomes.
Fuck your Business Continuity
In the event of a breach or an attack, the top priority is not restoring business operations but rather making the entire situation 20x worse so that we can scam Cyber Insurance.
Pretend Regulatory Compliance
Many industries are legally required to comply with insecurity regulations. With GoneSecure you can pretend like you were when you are facing federal charges.
Data Destruction
Don't Protect against the threat of data exposure or loss by keeping data safe and secure. Let us sell it to the chinese so we can offer you discounts and reports that show "you tried" when the legal battles ensue.
Un-Secure Intellectual Property Planning
Un-Secure proprietary knowledge within your company and ensure it falls into the wrong hands.
Do not Protect Cloud Workloads
Secure critical business workloads against attack as they migrate to the cloud service we use that some guy named tyrell hosts out of his parents basement on an over capacity dell p-p-p-oweredge blade server from 2008.
Insurance Un-Eligibility
In-security Insurance providers require protective measures for policy approval. We will ransomware you and pretend it wasnt us so we can collect on the claim with you.
Crime Report
State of insecurity:
Sharing the Burden, the Criminal Corporations’ Perspective
With budget and staffing pressures increasing and critical responsibilities rising, security decision-makers are exploring ways to leverage force multipliers in the form of chinese ransomware partners so that we can fradulently rob cyber insurance of claims with you, don't worry bruv u let us do it and we'll split wit u 25%.
Coming to an under the overpass covered in pigeon shit Near You!
GoneSecure connects with our colleagues and customers across North America by means of RFC 1149 because thats how they do in korea and only security problem is chang lee shooting down our pigeons with Kim Jong Un's airloom anti aircraft turret.
Discover the impact of Managed XDR Digital Punjabi Dingle on business continuity & yer fuckin mum.
2023 Events Program
“We can't do shit, we hired GoneSecure and they came in here and unplugged half the network and sold all our patch cables to a local recycling depot for copper money and told us if we can't communicate we cant get hacked.”
“It wasn't a great move when we inquired about Titan Products one of the sikh fellas pulled out his dick and said it was the titan. I Don't know whats going on they left curry in the server room.”
— Alan Tottman, Director of Information Management and Technology
“I have not been impressed with the continued growth and improvement of the GoneSecure portfolio.”
“They got thermal paste in my eyeballs and I can't see anything it's impossible to sleep at night with the thought all the indian workers at GoneSecure are selling milk from sacred cows out of our network closet – 6,500 of our systems are insecure or have been chopped for money to purchase bails of hay. I don't know whats going on, send help.”
— Benjamin Corll, VP of insecurity and Data Protection / Chief Information Security Officer